Mmm. Sexiest. Camera. Ever.

More at my Flickr :)

Every time I’d hear Transatlanticism in the past, I would cry. It was the epitome of James and I’s relationship: Separated by ocean, never quite close enough.

Here are the lyrics…

The Atlantic was born today, and I’ll tell you how:
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
Have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer [x12]

Is it wrong that even now that I see him every single day, I still hear this song, and I still cry? I hear the song, and I still think about how I need him so much closer?

*sigh*

Every time without fail, a week before I either fly to New Zealand, or James flies here, I get horribly upset, lonely and just generally miserable. I don’t know why: probably my hormones, could be my subconcious, but I get so upset that I feel almost bipolar. I am quite literally, one minute happy, the next sad.

This time, it’s because for some stupid reason, I think that James is getting bored of me, and the silly idea that we don’t talk enough or even spend time together enough. I know its not true on both accounts, but theres something that keeps telling me this. I hate it, because I’m making James feel terrible, and making myself feel worse because I am continuously making him feel terrible! *sighs*

Still, in the end, I end up crying myself to sleep because of god-kn0ws-what, waking up feeling like shit, and making anybody I so have to speak to either hate me or equally as grumpy as I am.

As you can probably tell, I don’t like being away from James. He’s my everything. Sure, it might sound a little silly: i’m sixteen, he’s my first everything - but i’m his first everything. We like it like that. It’s hard though, the long distance thing. Very hard. I think I get even lonelier each time he has to leave. It almost breaks my heart.

Meh, thats enough whinging. *goes and hides in a corner for the next week*

I had a wonderful weekend with James!:) In reality, it was close to three whole days with James, but now he’s gone :( Wah. We had lots of fun though :) We built a computer, which i will show pictures of next blog, hung out at the shops, had fun with my brother.. :) It was all great. It was wonderful to see him again, but i’ve been crying all afternoon because I miss him so much.

People don’t really understand how hard it is to see the one you love have to leave every couple of months… It breaks my heart almost every time. Atleast I know it’ll never be the last time I see him. :)

Going to be busy with homework for the next week and a bit, so I probably won’t be able to update too often. :( Muchos love to all my visitors :)

Well i’m ‘home.’ I wouldn’t call it that though. Ever since I first fell for James, I always felt that my place was not in Sydney. I no longer feel like an Australian - like a Sydney sider. My house is no longer something that welcomes me at the end of the day. Instead, I dread having to fall asleep in my bed, in my house, in my street, city, country. I don’t want to be here.

I want to be with him. I want to feel comfortable, and I want to fall asleep knowing that in the morning i’ll see something that welcomes me and something that I no longer have to wish to see.

As you can probably tell, i’m upset, hysterical even, and not thinking right. Still, this is what i’m feeling and I felt the need to say this. I’ll probably have calmed down again in a few days, but I still feel like tomorrow will be even worse than it is today.

I miss you, James.